So back in September I went to my local con. Which was amazing in itself but I managed to get in to the local news twice. Which I’ve never done before. I also managed to get into John Barrowman’s live Facebook feed for that weekend. Below if your interested are the links to the local news articles that I made it into.
I’ve fallen out of love again. I’ve fallen out with everything. I’ve lost my love for running, and working out, I’ve lost my love for crafts I’ve lost my love of doing most things. In fact I have lost my love for everything. I just want to give up. But something inside me just won’t let that happen.
Work is usually ok,I can’t stop working. work is something that keeps me going. However recently even that’s been a struggle. I’m trying to find joy in the things I used to do all the time. I love cooking and baking , but I don’t enjoy eating. I eat because I have to so I’m over eating, because nothing seems good. Im trying a new thing this week to try and help me find joy again. I’m sure all of this is related to my depression or my anxiety. So I’m taking things one day at a time. Im trying new things each day. Im making a list to see if that helps keeps me focused. Im trying to see the positive in things but that’s hard sometimes. I know I have support even if I push them away ALL the time and I mean all. I have this I don’t need help mentality and it’s hard for me to admit I need help let alone that I’m struggling.
I’m getting back into my blogging. Although this is my first post in many years. Writing has always helped me. Maybe it’s my way of processing. So I’m giving it a try. I have goals of where I want to be in a month or so. Part of that is reclaiming myself again. Hopefully cooking, blogging what I cook on my cooking blog. Working out, reading doing the things I love again. It’s going to be a long road and one where I know I will take a few steps forward and a few steps back. Depression is darkness that I’m not sure ever quite leaves the people it chooses to be friends with. Yes you can go many years and be fine but I feel it’s always lurking in the background. Waiting. Maybe I’m wrong. And I hope that I am. But right now I’m looking for the light and doing what I can to get back to it.
I got two days off work in a row. This hardly ever happens. So taking full advantage of it. I spent the first day a Friday doing all my errands and getting all the grocery shopping done so I had my second day off free to do the list of activities Kidlet had been begging to do.
First on the list. Was art and crafts. So I found the prefect project. Kidlet recently lost his first so I thought making a little tooth pouch would be great. The project took about 15 minutes but we did have to go the store for supplies. It’s made with felt. You can do this as a no sew but we sewed it as Kidlet loves using my sewing machine. Or at least trying to use my sewing machine.
So we got felt cut it in half lengthwise. And I draw and cut out a white tooth. I sewed the tooth in for Kidlet and he then pinned and sewed the sides. We got two out of the felt we had purchased so we made both.
After the craft part of the day it was just hanging really until lunchtime where Kidlet picked the place to eat. After lunch it was science. Kidlet wanted to do a volcano so we did a volcano. Just one of those mix vinegar and baking soda type volcanoes. That was pretty much our morning. It was fun to do some things the Kidlet wanted to do for change. Now Kidlet wants more sewing projects on the sewing machine so Ned to find some ideas for Kidlet to sew.
So I posted my first post on my cooking blog and it got a ton of views like more than every other post on this blog. I know this blog is all over the place and totally randomness. But this blog is for me and my unique weirdness. And I’m just glad people take the time to read this mess. So thanks.
I was worried about starting the cooking blog as I wasn’t sure how it would go. And one post is hard to tell but it seems to be so good so far. So I hope it stays that way. Who knows time will tell. But right now I’m happy with it.
So I did it I started the cooking blog. It will only get posts when I cook. Which is about once a week. I do all my meal prep for the week in one day. So hopefully you followers will like it and check it out once in a while.
If anyone reads this blog anymore I have a question for you. Should I start a second blog? Or does anyone have any problems with my changing direction on my blog?
The reason I’m asking is because I have a lot of people who follow my Instagram and they would love me to start a food blog because I’m always cooking and posting pictures of all the things that I cook/bake.
I think I would prefer to start a new blog dedicated to cooking/baking and keep this blog the way it is, what are your views in this?
Sorry this post was meant to have been published a few weeks ago.
So I follow this awesome blog written by the Nerdy Lion. I’ve been trying to find a way to link his blog but haven’t been able to as it keeps crashing. The link not his blog. So check out the people I follow and check out the Nerdy Lion.
Anyway he only writes one blog post a week. And I think it’s a really good idea. I goes in stages of writing a ton of blog posts and then not posting for months, the truth I get overwhelmed of trying to write something everyday. So I might try the write a post every week and see how that goes.
It’s been a busy week. I did all the laundry on Monday, baked cookies. Lots of cookies. Did my homework and saw my tutor. I started taking my GED. I mean I graduated high school back in the UK but it was more years than I care for and I can’t get my transcript so I’m taking my GED so I can possibly go to college one day. And cooked up a weeks worth of healthy food.
I’ve been injured again so running and losing weight has been a nightmare. But I think I’m finally get my motivation to lose weight again back so that’s cool. Been making things like rice bowls and trying to watch what I’m eating. Hoping to try and start running again soon.
The Kidlet has asked for 12 days of cookies, no idea where Kidlet got that from here we are making a different cookie every day for 12 days. It’s been going on for 8 days now, so starting to see light at the end of the tunnel and my coworkers love me even more than normal due to me bringing in a lot of cookies for them all to eat.
I know I’m missing a cookie I posted a picture of it on my Instagram but now I can’t find it anyway so far we have made candy canes, oatmeal, molasses chews, snowballs and lumps of coal, marbled snowman, stained glass cookies, snickerdoodles and gingerbread men. It was so many cookies.
This current week, has been a little better. Anxiety isn’t off the charts but still there and easing a little. It’s only Wednesday and I’ve already ran 1.5 miles twice this week. Trying to work on the diet but it’s coming slowly.
It’s hard to explain but I know something is off. I’m not depressed I’m not suffering from anxiety but why can’t I shut the noise. I know there’s something not quite right. I’m making lists upon lists of things to do. So I have something to do for every minute of the day. Detailed to do lists of everything I need to do at home for me, and my family. Then at work I make a list of all the things I need to get done that week.
Lists I know is my go to when feeling overwhelmed but I don’t feel like I’m overwhelmed. I’m thinking I’m not being productive enough, or that I lack usefulness. Almost like my time is wasted unless my house is clean, or I’ve been productive in one way or another, like learning new skills or do anything. Yet I have no energy to do any of the things. But I make a list and work my way through it even though I’m exhausted all the time. So if you have any suggestions then please share them.
It’s been a long few weeks, and sleep has been low on the list. I had a week of high anxiety which never results in much sleep. Then the Kidlet had a 3 days of being sweet and waking me up with mom, I want to make you surprise coffee, followed by asking me every step on how to make coffee.
Unfortunately Kidlet then got sick so I had a day of scraping together 3 hours of sleep whilst looking after Kidlet and working full time. When I finally got a day off it was cooking for my family for the week so they had meals followed by the next day of prepping food for my in laws because they needed food brought in for them. So it’s been a week on non stop busyness with very little sleep. Hoping things slow down a bit soon. That or I can get some sleep.
Life has been hectic to say the least. I stopped blogging because I needed to focus some energy on me for a while. I’m sorry. Life was getting more crazy then normal I felt like my posts were lacking. And that just wasn’t fair to you. I guess if I have any readers left by now. I’m going to try and take a page out of a blog that I follow. The Nerdy Lion. And try and do a post a week.
It’s quality not quantity that matters to me. I have a ton of stuff to catch up on, like comic con back in September, the 12 days of cookies over December. And I should probably be open and honest about my struggle lately tryin got function and pretend I don’t have depression going on when I really do.
Life gets wild from time to time. Coping with everyday low self esteem, anxiety and depression is hard. Then life throws you curve balls and you have to do your best to just keep going. Which I do. Just sometimes I have to stop blogging for a while and I’m sorry. So here’s to new beginnings and second chances. Well in my case third and fourth chances with some of you.
This week has been crazy. Kidlet wanting attention more than usual working full time, trying to get my GED, and dealing with some stuff that I can’t talk about just yet. But hopefully soon. I graduated high school back in the UK but it was too many years ago for me to remember anything and I’m having problems getting my transcripts so I decided to start taking my GED as a refresher so that one day I can maybe go to college and get a degree. It’s something that’s on my bucket list but I just don’t know what to get in yet. I suck at maths big time, so getting my GED may take me a little longer than I was hoping but I will get it done. Hopefully this year. But the big important thing is that I’m still here and still surviving, and I really do appreciate all of you that take the time to read this blog it means more to me than you’ll ever know.